I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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