i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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