Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
