Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
