her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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