My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
