I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
