I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
