No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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