You can't special order awesome
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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