I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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