My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
