Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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