remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Can I color on your dick again?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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