I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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