I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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