when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
