I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my shit smells like andre
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
