I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
