There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
