So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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