I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
