Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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