they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
