im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
