just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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