Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
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why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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