Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
