Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
