Will you blow on my dice?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
