I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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