I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
