I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
