everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
