I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
