I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
