I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
