What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
