i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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