Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
