Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
