So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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