First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
