I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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