oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
