I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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