I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
