Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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