I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
