im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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