We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
