dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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