I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
