I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
