I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
