You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
